"How to be happy"

Step #234,023,082,777: Lead a more poetic lifestyle (see above photo). Carry a pen with you everywhere so you can detail your future assassinations. And then talk about your feelings if you have any spare room on the page.

Step #234,023,082,778: Congratulations, you've made it step #234,023,082,778 of "How to be happy." Doesn't that make you feel good inside?

Step #234,023,082,779: Commit suicide. If you're not happy by now you're not going to be. But a job very well done on making it all the way to step # 234,023,082,779. You must really have some type of fortitude for life (or at least for reading really long and overly-generalized guidebooks that feed hackneyed sayings and perpetuate general bullshit).

Step #234,023,082,780: Maybe committing suicide really isn't for you. I mean, you didn't do it after I told you to in the previous step. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Step #234,023,082,781: Why are you reading this if you're not going to take my advice? I don't know what will make you happy, damnit. I don't even know you and we've already covered the other typical approaches toward happiness (to review some of the most successful approaches like retail therapy, cats, anorexia, compulsive eating, and lying, please review steps 13- 234,023,082,776 of this guide. Should you have relapsed on your journey toward happiness somewhere between steps 13 and 234,023,082,781, it's understandable. A lot of time has passed. Just make sure you revisit steps 1-12 because sobriety is really something to aim for. Take those 12 steps.)

Step #234,023,082,782: You have issues. Are you happy now? I said it because, wow, someone needed to.